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Just a reminder: the jokes here are funny to some people maybe not others.
There is no intension to offend or target any group or any one. If you find any
thing offensive please, find another page. I really mean to just have fun,
and it's just for personal entertainment, so......
LIGHTEN UP!!!!
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under
his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love
get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the
reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
>16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh
Prison Life vs A Full-Time Job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At
work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loot.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time
wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
HOW COLD
IS IT?
"Cold"
is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion.
65ºF Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
60ºF Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50ºF Miami residents turn on the heat
45ºF Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40ºF You can see your breath - Californians shiver uncontrollably -
Minnesotans go
swimming
35ºF Italian cars don't start
32ºF Water freezes
30ºF You plan your vacation to Australia
25ºF Ohio water freezes - Californians weep pitiably - Minnesotans eat ice
cream -
Canadians go swimming
20ºF Politicians begin to talk about the homeless - New York City water
freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15ºF French cars don't start - Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10ºF You need jumper cables to get the car going
5ºF American cars don't start
0ºF Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10ºF German cars don't start - Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15ºF You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo - Arkansans stick
tongue
on metal objects - Miami residents cease to exist
-20ºF Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you - Politicians actually do
something
about the homeless - Minnesotans shovel snow off roof - Japanese
cars don't
start
-25ºF Too cold to think - You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30ºF You plan a two week hot bath - Swedish cars don't start
-40ºF Californians disappear - Minnesotans button top button - Canadians put
on
sweaters - Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50ºF Congressional hot air freezes - Alaskans close the bathroom window
>
You Might be a redneck if.......
New and updated redneckisms that even I have not heard of before!!
You Know You're A Redneck When... 2001 Edition
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor
to spare a loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip
on the side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.
You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is.
>Variations On Murphy's Law
>
>1. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a
>urologist.
>
>2. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people,
>they have nothing to lose.
>
>3. The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the
>tiger starves last.
>
>4. The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you
>had better let him lead.
>
>5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a
>mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
>
>6. The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is
>faster.
>
>7. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you
>look.
>
>8. Wailer's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't
>have to do it himself.
>
>9. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be
>evenly distributed.
>
>10. Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work
>in the past tense.
>
>11. Conway's Law: In any organization there is one person who
>knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
>
>12. Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
>
>13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.
>
>14. Law of Drunkenness: You can't fall off the floor.
>
>15. Heeler's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
>
>16. Osborne's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
>
>17. Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite
>government program.
>
>18. Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way
>programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came
>along would have destroyed civilization.
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th
DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding, too.
There was a farmer who had four daughters. He was in the habit
Of worrying about them and always answered the door with a shotgun.
One night there was a knock on the door. He opened it to find a young
Man standing there. The young man said,
"My name is Freddie.
I've come to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti.
I hope she's ready."
The farmer thought that was pretty cute, so he let them go out.
Pretty soon there was another knock on the door. This time the young
Man standing there said,
"My name is Lance.
I've come for Nance.
We're going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?"
Again, the farmer thought that took some thought and effort, so
he let them go.
A half-hour later, there was another knock at the door.
The young man there said,
"My name is Joe. I'm here to get Flo.
We're going to a show.
Is she ready to go?"
The farmer chuckled a little and allowed them to leave.
Soon there was another knock on the door. The farmer opened it with a
bit of
a grin on his face. The young man standing on the stoop said,
"My name is Chuck."
The farmer shot him.
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